You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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