I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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