i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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