I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
