you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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