i wish peter jackson would direct porn
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
