I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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