My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
