Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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