just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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