The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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