Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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