My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
