good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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