you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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