So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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