If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
