Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
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woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
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I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts