I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
