I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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