drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
