An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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