bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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