Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The adults are the big ones right?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
