half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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