Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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