I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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