Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
