we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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