I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
smell my finger.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
