I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
