I cockslap morals
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
