u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
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