My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
