Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
