Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
