apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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