whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
