I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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