yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
