I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
