I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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