My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
