So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
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Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
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The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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