Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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