Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
