So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Randomize
