Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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