I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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