He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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