don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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