i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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