Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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