you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
