Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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