Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
