I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
