Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
