He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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