Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
