i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
