Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
