I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
